21 may 2008

The rain lit up the pavement.

The smell of the sky had indicated it was eminent. The lights on the freeway lined up like a string and rolled down the hills. My brain would start stop start every few seconds and remind me of things I didn't really want to remember. The memories began but never ended and as I sat alone on the highway they persisted.

Little ones. Like small movements and sideways smiles began surfacing and singing to me telling me to remember. Things that I had forgotten or thought I had forgotten resurfaced and the dormant feelings I had connected to them resurfaced too. In a tumult of scenes played out in my head it became clear that these moments were secrets now. I had shared them with someone who now persists only in my memory.

We walked home in the dark from the city and shared our hands and hours for a long time before we realized that any time had passed at all. The infrequent street lamps didn't matter we walked from memory.

We met and talked and drew pictures of buildings and people and held hands on the bus home. I played a song for him the first time I ever played a song for anyone and we laughed and laid still and talked like we had been wrapped around each other for years.

Now the pavement splashes and splatters with the rain and thunder and lightening and lights up the drops like heavy tears. We all talked about the smell of the storm and the fear of the end and then as quickly as it had begun, it stopped. We gathered too and felt warm with each others tears. The music played and we all wept quietly. It wasn't a dream no matter how much we wanted to believe it was.

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That night in the flickers of the red lamps and lights our spines fell together and floated up toward the ceiling where they lingered there breathing quietly. I remembered our spines and the way they sank then back into folds of cloth and skin.

He smiled at me and we smiled together drowsing in unjulating waves of the sleep that pervaded us. It was warm. We were warm. And our smiles connected us all of us all for always together connected. Our bodies felt infinite in our spines and we realized the things that were unclear before and felt free. We smiled again and sank into dreams.

I told him all the things that I felt and wanted to feel and we parted. It wasn't over it wasn't gone it would be later not forever but in my mind we grew together as friends but it was. It was gone. We forgot and moved away onward inward toward no where and each other and from there we both walked away neither naked but for nothing.

And then I saw it I saw them and felt strange the whole time but didn't know what it meant. The crow came first two days before with its regal black feathers walking around among us on the ground and feeling proud to be the indication of something more powerful something that we will never understand. How beautiful and how strange it seemed. The moth was second and I saw it on the night that night the one night that it all happened and it was resting on the ceiling where the walls come up to meet it waiting for something to save it. I took the moth and placed it in a jar and took it upstairs and set it free to save it to let it free away into the muggy stars and sky. I wish I had wings and flight to follow them into the sky.

My mind is blank now and feels numb it feels cloudy and desperate and hopeless from the infrequent prickles of all these insignificant things. The body I thought was mine is now sore with the density of my tears removing the bones from my limbs. This isn't real this is just a dream he said with the others looking away wishing that it could be true but knowing that it can't. It can't be a dream but it still can't be real our heads are too small to wrap themselves around this thing this hot thing this cold thing this something that we don't understand. And probably never will.