Another early journal. 2007.

They said it was in my nature
to be loud
They said it was in my nature
to feel fire
inside me
The fire that I feel now comes from the outside not from within as it was supposed
to but these things that I feel now are inexplicable and I am not sure how to
deal with them.
How do I look at a painting and become it
How do I feel like the Mary and realize that I am not her at all
Sometimes my fingers aren't enough to express how I feel

Armed with my paper and pencil I try so hard to
Externalize
How I am feeling and what I am seeing inside of me

The wind from the sea with the necklace of lights
Washed over us
Raised the hair on my arms and
Blew the hair around my face
I told them that our bicycles had brought us there
For a reason
She said I was sweet he said that he knew it and that I was adorable and he liked
me too much and I knew it
I did know it
And I was smiling inside
But
At the same time
I began to
Not smile
Because all the reasons and all the reason that prevented us from being together
Exploded
My mind was full of them

We walked our bicycles
Home
From the lake with the necklace of lights
We talked and laughed and grew together
Sometime
I do not remember exactly when
We all stood there
Realizing
That sooner or later
This moment this glorious wonderful infinite moment
Would end

And it did

My friend was shot
He said in between tears

That night he told us that his friend had been
Shot

Shot

The words rang inside of me
For hours
I felt an emptiness that I had not know for years
And now
I hurt
For him
Because I knew what that was like
I knew what losing a dear friend
Felt like

And this deep pain this missing piece would take
Months
Years
Decades
To fully accept
But to never get over completely
Because when someone dies there is always a piece of you missing

He told us that his friend had been
Shot
And the next morning
He crawled into the matress with us
And we held him
We just laid there and held him
Letting him feel close to someone
I just wanted to hold him until all the pain and sadness
Went away

But I knew
That it couldn't be like that

Our bicycles led us there for a reason
And then they led us home

Together we walked our broken bicycles up the street and around the corner by
the church with the lady in the purple car and the little dog that runs around the
yard angrily
We approached the house and noticed the Christmas lights in the window glowing
playfully reflecting red and blue and green and yellow inside the second story
bedroom

The next day after holding each other
The other two of us
Played the banjo in the basement
I played the banjo
She played the bass drum and occasionally the piano

But even still

I never forgot the boy
And his lost friend
And all the reasons and reason for which we could never be we.